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I am hurting.

People are telling me it will get better in time & to take baby steps in being kind to myself. I am finding this difficult.

I’ve talked to Tris a fair bit & he’s popped in a couple of times to see me. It does help to talk to him & spend time with him because we are so close & I miss him so much despite what has happened.

I cry a lot now. At first I couldn’t even bring myself to cry because I felt like I was being a little kid sobbing because I hadn’t got my way. I realise now that crying is ok. It is a kind of grieving but for a lost relationship & a life together rather than a person dying.

Just to give a little perspective here Tris & I broke up just over two weeks ago but I didn’t feel ready to tell anyone for a week. I wish someone could take this pain away. Perhaps the Cybermen have the right idea. Remove emotion to remove pain. I know my family & friends are right that things will take time to stop hurting & for life to feel normal again. At the moment all I can consider is right now. The idea of making plans & looking forwards is difficult & painful.

I’m not intending for this blog to become a journal of my misery as that was the last thing I ever imagined it to be when I started it just over two years ago. It will be an ever evolving tale of growth & self improvement.

Little changes are happening. I’m eating a proper albeit small meal each day now & remembering to make myself cups of tea through the day when nobody is here to prompt me. In previous days I’ve gone all day alone eating & drinking nothing until one of my support network arrived & reminded me that my body needs fuel.

I am beginning to do more small things that make me feel a little happier temporarily. Today after Pip left for work I made raspberry cheesecake chocolate brownies & blueberry cake with cream cheese frosting. Although I won’t eat much of them myself I now feel better that I have something delicious to offer my family & friends as they pop in for tea over the next few days.

I’ve read a few of my comfort books & watched some of my comfort movies too. Supper from my favourite fish & chip shop tonight was actually quite tasty even though I didn’t feel even the slightest hunger when Mummy suggested it.

I’m going to bed tonight with a sore arm from all the stirring, beating & whisking I’ve done today (I made both my bakes by hand, the old fashioned way as my electric beaters broke last time I used them) & a little light headed from a little too much alcohol with Mum whilst watching telly.

I’m feeling just sad & quiet rather than the desperate, inconsolable grief that has been present at bedtime the past weeks. I’m optimistic that the physical activity in the kitchen will help me to sleep better.

Here’s hoping I’m starting to move through the darkest parts of my journey! Goodnight! xx

A Change in Circumstances

Regrettably Tris has ended our engagement & cancelled the wedding. This was not my decision or due to any wrongdoing on my part. It seems there were issues I was not made aware of in time to fix it & now it’s too late. I am utterly devastated as you might imagine. 
I shall not be deleting my diary posts as they are part of my history & that of my blog. I won’t be writing any further details of what happened between us as that is private so please do not ask me for them. I will however be writing a bit about my feelings as I go through my transition period & hopefully emerge on the other side a new & better person.

Diary of a Bride to Be - Day 129

Today has been very productive.

Pending reference checks an offer Tris & I put in for a new flat has been accepted. We are very pleased. I spent ages contacting all the agencies we had registered with to take us off their lists.

This afternoon Pip & I got some tweaks on the wedding invitations done before moving on to top secret bridal gown plotting. We had a great time.

Tris & I talked about wedding budgets again this evening as we had forgotten to write one or two things onto it. It makes the budget seem very scary as it’s suddenly rather higher than I had expected it to be. We need to come up with some more money saving ideas!

Diary of a Bride to Be - Day 128

Today has been a lovely restful day.

Tris & I spent the day cuddling on the sofa drinking tea & watching Sherlock. This afternoon I spent some time researching wedding flowers a bit more & chatting to my maids about their shoes. We’ve decided on pretty lace mid heel court shoes with ankle straps. Luckily they are from a company with whom Mummy has a catalogue account so she is going to order them for us.

Pip came over for dinner & we’ve spent the evening watching Mythbusters, some Wheezy Waiter YouTube videos & the awesome old Disney classic The Aristocats

We’ve also made a plan for tomorrow as we’re going to get cracking on some more wedding things. I’m looking forward to it!

Diary of a Bride to Be - Day 127

Today was tiring. Tris & I found a flat we love but it is higher rent than we were hoping to pay so we’ve spent a great deal of time this afternoon going over our budgets for monthly expenses as well as the wedding budget to work out if we can comfortably afford it or not.

The good news is that we can afford it providing a few extra cutbacks are made by each of us including things like not eating out more than once a week & I’m going to launder & iron Tris’ work shirts which I had been avoiding by sending them to the dry cleaner. I’m not trusting Tris with an iron after the last incident so he’s going to take over something from my chore list instead. 

I’m crossing my fingers the landlady accepts the offer we have put in. We will find out on Monday.

In all the budget talk I finalised the estimates of a number of wedding things I had been meaning to look into & I was a little shocked to find flowers for centrepieces are a more expensive than I had thought. Good thing Pip & I had already been talking about having small potted plants with pretty ribbons & other decorations on rather than arrangements. We should save a good few hundred pounds there! 

I feel that we have been incredibly productive today & I shall certainly sleep well tonight.

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