People are telling me it will get better in time & to take baby steps in being kind to myself. I am finding this difficult.
I’ve talked to Tris a fair bit & he’s popped in a couple of times to see me. It does help to talk to him & spend time with him because we are so close & I miss him so much despite what has happened.
I cry a lot now. At first I couldn’t even bring myself to cry because I felt like I was being a little kid sobbing because I hadn’t got my way. I realise now that crying is ok. It is a kind of grieving but for a lost relationship & a life together rather than a person dying.
Just to give a little perspective here Tris & I broke up just over two weeks ago but I didn’t feel ready to tell anyone for a week. I wish someone could take this pain away. Perhaps the Cybermen have the right idea. Remove emotion to remove pain. I know my family & friends are right that things will take time to stop hurting & for life to feel normal again. At the moment all I can consider is right now. The idea of making plans & looking forwards is difficult & painful.
I’m not intending for this blog to become a journal of my misery as that was the last thing I ever imagined it to be when I started it just over two years ago. It will be an ever evolving tale of growth & self improvement.
Little changes are happening. I’m eating a proper albeit small meal each day now & remembering to make myself cups of tea through the day when nobody is here to prompt me. In previous days I’ve gone all day alone eating & drinking nothing until one of my support network arrived & reminded me that my body needs fuel.
I am beginning to do more small things that make me feel a little happier temporarily. Today after Pip left for work I made raspberry cheesecake chocolate brownies & blueberry cake with cream cheese frosting. Although I won’t eat much of them myself I now feel better that I have something delicious to offer my family & friends as they pop in for tea over the next few days.
I’ve read a few of my comfort books & watched some of my comfort movies too. Supper from my favourite fish & chip shop tonight was actually quite tasty even though I didn’t feel even the slightest hunger when Mummy suggested it.
I’m going to bed tonight with a sore arm from all the stirring, beating & whisking I’ve done today (I made both my bakes by hand, the old fashioned way as my electric beaters broke last time I used them) & a little light headed from a little too much alcohol with Mum whilst watching telly.
I’m feeling just sad & quiet rather than the desperate, inconsolable grief that has been present at bedtime the past weeks. I’m optimistic that the physical activity in the kitchen will help me to sleep better.
Here’s hoping I’m starting to move through the darkest parts of my journey! Goodnight! xx